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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

7 Things That Changed Me After The Death Of My Mother

There's absolutely nothing in this world which can prepare you to lose both or either of your parents. Whatever stage of your life you must be in, losing a parent is a blow on your being. I believe it's bigger blow in adulthood, because you are at the point where you are actually friends with your mother. When you share everything with her from gossips to friends, to love, to breakups and much more...

I had also attained that age when I lost my mum, she had become a friend to me, someone who could see into my soul and could call me out in the most effective way.  Grief runs its course and it comes in stages, but I was not prepared for it to never fully go away.
  1. My phone is never on silent/vibrate mode anymore, because the last time I did that I missed the call that my mother was serious
  2. Her death have at times ripped the remainder of our family apart. I try my best to keep them all intact and close knit, but their are times when the going gets tough
  3. It hurts that my daughter didn’t get to experience her as a grandmother. She would have been the best Nani to my little angel. She would have enjoyed my childhood all over again with my daughter
  4. Post marriage a girl craves the most to have a mom's shoulder to lean on, to take in her advice on nitty gritties of life. I wish she was with me now, would have traded everything just to be with her.
  5. Don’t talk ill about your parents in front of me. You will get an earful about gratitude and appreciation. Respect them, value them, cherish them till they are alive. Get some perspective on how truly ephemeral life is.
  6. Life does go on, but there will be times even several years later, you will still break down like it happened yesterday. This happens with me at least once a day. I still remember things she asked me to not do but i did and regretted. Decisions she wanted me to take wisely but I jumped to conclusions and repented. It's not wrong when people say parents know best for their kids. 
  7. When I see my friends or even strangers with their mom , I sometimes feel jealous. Envious of the fact that they can share gossip with their mums, have food cooked by her, hug her tight, call her at any time of the day and say how much they love her..  Big life events are never ever the same again

Here I sit over 7 years later and still feel like calling her and sharing all the happenings of the day. Fill her in with the good and bad I am going through. 

Her death has forever changed me and how I look at the world. I have become more agitated and anxious in weird way. Trying to find solace in small little things now. Trying to make peace with the fact that she isn't alive but it's damn hard to forget the reason you are alive, the one who gave life to you.  I am trying to be a good mother to my daughter so that she is acutely aware of what memories can mean and how it will impact her life while I am on this earth. She deserves to know how much she is loved and when I am gone, what I teach and instill in her now, will be my legacy.

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